From an early age, I felt a strong demand to be perfect in everything I said and did. I wanted to please everyone at all times and found comfort and validity in accomplishment and praise from others. There was a giant void in my heart (that only God could fill) and I tried to fill it with everything and everyone imaginable. Because of an emotionally empty relationship with my dad, who was a struggling alcoholic, I constantly pursued approval and attention from boys, giving myself away piece by piece- first becoming entangled by pornography then slowly moving towards sexual encounters, beginning at the tender age of twelve and continuing on until I was about 22 years old- a whole decade of my life.
Although I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior at 16, I never fully surrendered my entire life to Him, declaring Him as Lord of my life. I knew that Jesus died for my sins to be forgiven, but because of my performance-driven mentality, I still felt as if I needed to somehow work for that forgiveness.
Dealing with rejection, depression, anxiety, and the never-ending hunger to find my true identity and worth, I quickly became ensnared by alcohol abuse and many soul-ties, including an adulterous relationship at 19 and countless one-night stands with random young men. Being obsessed with my own productivity and performance, it wasn’t a coincidence that I chose to study theatre and dance in college. My love for performing on the stage grew greater and became my means of escaping reality and becoming someone else. Insecurity drove me to use my gifts and talents to make me feel better about myself, drenching me in pride. The fantasy of the life of an actress lead to a deep desire to become famous to prove my worth, talent, beauty, and personality to the rest of the world.
It wasn’t until after I graduated college that my eyes were truly opened to my selfish and sinful existence. The Lord began to show me my worth and identity in Christ alone. I finally laid down my prideful desires to become an actress in Los Angeles, picked up my cross, and began to truly follow Jesus for the first time in my life. I started attending church regularly again, where I so divinely met my husband.
Once I finally surrendered my entire life to the Lord, He began the process of molding me and changing me from the inside out. He has completely delivered me, transformed me, healed me, and has shown me His love in a powerful way.
The Lord truly has made me whole. He is the anchor of my soul when the storms of life come, (and they still do, as you will discover the more you read on this blog).
God’s grace, mercy, and love has been freely given, and I freely receive it, no longer thinking I must work for it. I am His Beloved Daughter! Knowing that I have been forgiven of so much, I long to be filled with God’s redeeming love to then pour it out to all who I come in contact with- I long to be a vessel for that love to flow through to reach others for His Kingdom, all for His glory!