July 13, 2016
I have been sleep deprived for well over a month. Yes, I have been existing as a “Mombie.”
Mombie= sleep-deprived super-mom who is exists on coffee and a whole lotta grace (my definition)
My son, who turns two years old in October, has been waking up almost every single night for five, going on six, full weeks straight. This has been more difficult on my body than when he was a newborn.
Because of the lack of sleep, my mental clarity has been totally whacked out, and I have not truly felt like myself in awhile.
I often feel like when I am not able to fully let my creativity to flow, that I’m just going through the motions of life, living to just see another day. It is hard for me not to feel like I’m not being very productive or useful.
And like I described in my last post, I have been trying to rest in my position as a daughter of the King alone and not feel as if I have to constantly accomplish something, either for myself or God.
Finding this rest and staying there without fighting it has been one of the hardest lessons I have ever tried to receive and live out.
I’m a do-er by nature, like I explain a lot, and when I desire to use my gifts to glorify God and there are roadblocks, I just feel plain stuck! It has been so hard for me to remain in faith that God has not forgotten about me and that this season won’t last forever. I’m not saying I want this season to be over because I love being a mom, but while I’m here, I just don’t want to lose hope that the dreams God has given me will come to pass!
That being said, I have come to realize that often when I try to step out and begin to strive for those dreams, I immediately get exhausted and stressed out. I can tell when I am trying to achieve these goals and dreams in my own and ability and strength. I have spent a majority of my life striving and that is why I believe God is asking me to rest.
Let me be clear, this is not a license to be lazy. If the Lord asks me to do my part, I definitely put my foot forward and head out after whatever He’s called me to do. But there comes a point in time where He is wanting to prove how big He is to me by divinely connecting me to the right people or positioning me precisely where I am supposed to be to see these dreams come to pass.
This takes a lot of trust. This takes waiting on the Lord and seeking Him continually. This takes faith!
Now without faith it is impossible to please God, for the one who draws near to Him must believe that He exists and rewards those who seek Him (Hebrews 11:6 HCSB).
So here I am, once again, re-evaluating what needs to stay and what needs to go in my life. If there are a lot of things that are distracting me and causing me to want to get out ahead of God and “make things happen,” then I honestly cannot be a part of it or I need to learn how to take a back-seat and allow God to move in the midst of it all.
I definitely do feel like I’m still on the Potter’s wheel as He molds me and shapes me into His vessel of honor. This time, instead of God chiseling away all the areas of sin, past wounds, and lust in my heart, He has been removing false ideas and images of who God is to me and what it means to trust Him.
This is such a deep work, my friends. The foundation of my faith has been in the process rebuilding in a way. Not that I ever stopped believing and trusting in Christ or stopped standing on Him as my Rock and firm foundation, but I believe God is revealing Himself to me in a way I have never seen before or fully understood, not that I will ever FULLY understand or comprehend the vastness and greatness of God.
I believe the Lord wants to show me how my faith in Him can move mountains; not thinking that I am capable of moving them at all in and of myself, but that when I say that my God can move this mountain, this obstacle, this roadblock, I believe and trust that He will do it because He is able! I speak it out loud because I’m asking Him and believing that if it is His will, it shall be done!
If you ask[a] anything in My name, I will do it. (John 14:14 NKJV).
My faith must not be simply found in faith like it is some force or power to see what I’m believing for come to pass, but my faith must only be found in Jesus Christ alone!
I have to trust Him at His word and believe He hears me when I pray and ask Him to guide me when it is my turn for action or when it is time for me to wait to see what He is going to do next.
I’m grateful for your prayers during this season of rest and I’m grateful that many of you continue to support me. THANK YOU!